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It is worrisome to continually hear stories of bullying amongst children.
What would it take to foster gentleness of spirit, so that harming
another person would be inconceivable?
I remember once participating in a workshop in Hawaii. The participants
were sitting in a large circle on the floor. Suddenly I noticed a
huge insect crawling around in the middle of the circle.
I had never seen a cockroach before, but the nasty things I heard
about them had informed my opinion of them: I did not like them.
For some reason, I was also afraid of them. Since they were ‘bad’,
I naturally assumed it would be okay to kill them. (Butterflies and
ladybugs were a completely different matter.)
I expected that someone would jump up and stomp on the ugly thing,
and relieve the horror of those of us who lived sheltered lives far
from the tropics.
Instead, a young man slowly got up, walked over to the beastly thing,
cupped his hands and gently carried the creature outside, releasing
it to resume its journey. That gesture alone was worth the price of
the workshop. In fact, I scarcely remember the rest of the weekend,
so astounded was I by what I considered an extreme act of kindness.
In that instant, I was shamefully aware of an aspect of my being that
was clearly judgmental and violent!
In my world at that time, my initial response would have been considered
‘normal’ and ‘natural’. No one would have
given a second thought to my callous and demeaning attitude towards
cockroaches in general, and that one in particular.
The fact that it was not bothering me, was in no way a threat to me,
and was not even in my personal space, but rather in a public setting
made no difference. It was offensive to me by virtue of its very existence,
and any hostile action therefore seemed justified.
Nothing could have affected me more strongly than observing a fellow
human modeling a completely different perspective. Bullying amongst
children occurs in much the same way. Another child is deemed ‘less
than’, and so it is ‘okay’ to treat him or her rudely,
disrespectfully, even violently.
Children do this for only one reason. It is what they have learned
from adults. Sadly, sometimes it is the way they are treated by their
parents daily.
A lot of emotional bullying goes on in the name of discipline. Even
if they are not treated in this way, they hear parents putting down
other people: relatives, neighbours, co-workers. They learn to be
judgmental at home. They take that habit to school, where other children
have learned the same, and they begin to judge one another.
They hear the teacher berating their classmates, so it is not surprising
they do not think what they are doing is wrong. They perceive their
judgments to be facts just as I did with the cockroach.
It is not difficult to look at our world today and see the results
of groups of people making enemies of other groups. This is pervasive:
on the playground, on the streets, and even in the office. Preaching
and reciting affirmations will not change this.
It is first necessary for adults to model tolerance, compassion, understanding
and acceptance. Next, both parents and teachers must establishzero
tolerance policies for verbal abuse in the home and the school.
No, it is not even okay for siblings to verbally abuse one another.
If it is allowed in the home, it will be carried to the playground
and the classroom.
Perhaps this is the level at which any true anti-war movement needs
to begin. Where gentleness of spirit is fostered, with the sense that
to harm another is inconceivable, there could only be peace.
Gwen Randall-Young is a psychotherapist and author of Dancing
Soul: The Voice of Spirit Evolving. She has also written Echoes Through
Time: A Message of Healing for Men, Baby Soul: A Blessing of Spirit,
and produced various audio cassettes. gwendall@shaw.ca
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