TWENTYSOMETHING by Ishi Dinim
Is it because I’m a Gemini? maybe it’s just human nature. But the grass always seems greener on the other side. Well now I’m on the other side and it really is greener. Plus there are deer here and lakes and berry bushes too. I wonder how long it will be before another patch looks greener than the one I’m in? More, different, something else. As I pondered my never-ending desires it occurred to me that the grass might be equally green wherever I go. There are vibrant communities, healthy food and fresh inspirations in every nook on this spinning rock.
A few weeks ago I was with two of my best friends. One said something that really affected me. Dave grabbed me in his enormous grip and looked directly into my eyes, “It’s not your fault.” Now although he was drunk, there was such a real and lucid intention behind his words that it startled me. “It’s not your fault!” he repeated. “ What are you talking about?” I knew what he meant but I still played dumb. Blaine looked to me with a reassuring nod. Dave stared with kind eyes and a serious smile, “ Everything - your parents, the past, history none of it is your fault, you can’t change it.” He grinned and released me slowly. The infectious grin spread to me; my guard crumbled. I hold so much anxiety and earnestness that I’m not even aware of. I don’t realize that my internal monologue plays across my face and in my body language. Not only am I the problem but the solution as well.
Lately I’ve tried not talking as much as I usually do, just observing mostly. Constantly finding pleasure in fascinating and fleeting details. Silhouettes on the wall at sundown. The black dot on my lover’s cheek. Baby swallows taking their first flight. A perfect avocado. It is in these joyful moments that I think, I could die now and that would be fine. Funny how contentment levels change over time. What I’m willing to sacrifice is changing as well. Money and lifestyle are holding less sway, fading into the background. I’m becoming more honest with what I really need, to be loving, purposeful and significant. There is a multitude of various pressures in our culture aimed at keeping us dull and resigned. So many distractions, so many hopes. How can I stop a war. Maybe I’ll just try to help my friends start recycling?
Now that I taken a little more time to relax and be still with myself I’ve noticed a few things. Life isn’t such high or low stakes. There are medium ones. I’m faced with important decisions every day, but I am trying to see them more as a bunch of connected events than each one as a life or death scenario. I’m going to try letting go of figuring it all out, doing what I think is the right thing and not stressing on the results. What is supposed to happen always does. Fate kind of works like that.
On another note, does anybody out there want to change the world? I do. I’ve come to think that I can’t do it by myself. So if there are any other people out there who want to help, let’s organize something that could at least change this corner of the world, maybe other places too. Let’s get together. Send me a message and let us see what can be done. Until next time; bocce ball in the park, happiness burgers, crazy schemes and trying to get by.
Choice words:
Ape shall never kill ape.
-Caesar, first law of the apes, Battle for the Planet of the Apes.
To know a man, observe how he wins his object, rather than how he loses it; for when we fail our pride supports us; when we succeed, it betrays us.
-Charles Caleb Colton
It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
-Kin Hubbard
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
-Jean Giradoux
Web connects:
www.beingcharliekaufman.com
http://bentcomics.com/nick/archive.htm
www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2004/02/20040221-1.html# (this link is to see Spot; the whole site is rich with disinformation.)
Ishi graduated from Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design in 2001, with a BFA major in photography. He enjoys cooking for loved ones and playing basketball. Currently he is working in film and collecting a wide variety of cacti. contactishi@yahoo.ca waiting to hear echoes back.
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