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TWENTYSOMETHING by Ishi Dinim
Recovering from waves of sickness. Truly amazing how much unwanted product a human body can create, an abundant natural reminder to cherish our capabilities. Since the end of the summer I’ve been trying to deal with feeling crappy beyond words while working at the same time. Lots of coughing and time to dwell.
In between stints of hard work I fell ill for six weeks with a sinus infection. Most of that time was spent stuck in bed stuck with myself. When you’ve got that much time to knock around in your brain certain things become apparent, a sense of bitter honesty creeps in. There were moments when I really believed that I might be dying. I knew I was sick for so many reasons. I started to take responsibility for those that I could, for allowing my lifestyle to create disease. Working inside the belly of a propaganda entertainment machine isn’t always inspiring or satisfying. I have internalized the notion that I am cheap labour, an automaton devoid of personality. I often search the faces of people and see my own misery looking back. What the hell am I doing with my life? I want to live to be a healthy old man; it’s too easy to rationalize wasting my life away. I wish I could just start it all over again with a fresh outlook, motivated, idealistic, and with a renewed hope for humanity. That’s not happening.
My own insecurities and searches are being reflected as I meet people who share their own crises about the directions they’re going in. Conversation after conversation reveals a genuine discontent with where we are at as a planet and our place within this culture. How can we reconcile all the various pulls on our time and attention? I want to follow my dreams and still have a roof over my head. When everything threatens to crumble apart, a safety net appears.
Big changes are aching to be made, the ground is cracking, and it is time to jump. I leap towards my purpose. Fresh air rushing up to meet me. This new perspective is unusual and invigorating, I notice things I never have before. There’re bunches of other jumpers too, sewing nets together. My fear of heights is gone too – in the free fall I left my fears back up on the cliff, they’re floating away. Life is speeding up but not in a stressful sort of way. Even the prospect of crashing below doesn’t cause panic; I’d still only be a speck joining the big picture. I reach out to the extended hands of falling souls, together we make the nets that will break our descent. The nets work, all the diving dreamers are banding together, networking to manifest a different future.
The worst possible thing is not that I could fail. Nothing would be more terrible than stagnating on a dull self-depreciating ledge of inactivity. Purging my last chunk, dropping from my mouth like so many unspoken obstacles. I need to live more. Not because one day I’ll die, no I need to live more because I’m alive this, just once...
Wording:
“I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.” – Joseph Baretti
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” – Dorothy Parker
“The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.” – H.L. Mencken
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” – Albert Einstein
Webbing:
http://biz.yahoo.com/special/400_04.html (Important list)
http://www.export.gov/iraq/bus_climate/faq.html (Wheelin’ dealin’)
http://www.guerrillanews.com/content/emosh_hi.html (Rap video)
Ishi graduated from Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design in 2001, with a BFA major in photography. He makes films, collects cacti, and ponders many things. Currently he is trying to figure out what to do with the rest of his life. contactishi@yahoo.ca waiting to hear echoes back…
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