For this month's issue, we invited a number of local therapists to submit their thoughts about what makes love work and which patterns and behaviours work against love. Fear, poor communication and unhealthy boundaries top the list of love's detractors.

When talking to your partneris more labour than love
Some clients laugh and some get teary-eyed in amazement when they truly get what their partner has been saying all along. All of them experience profound relief the moment they feel genuinely heard by their loved one.
Most couples come to therapy because they do not connect when they talk. A wall of past resentments, assumptions and foggy attempts to tell each other what they need blocks the joyful path to a shared experience of life as partners. First, I explore how a couple talk and listen to each other. I prescribe exercises to strengthen and clear responsible expression and true listening. Once the pathway is cleared, couples can work through all their separate issues.
Jaminie Hilton, registered clinical counsellor, 604-802-4126
The boundaryless pitfall
The love is there, the chemistry clicks and the passion thrives, but "boundary-less" behaviours that lurk beneath the surface can wreck a relationship. What are boundaryless behaviours? The most obvious examples are:
1. Addictions: substance abuse, compulsive spending and infidelity.
2. Falling into boundaryless spaces such as endless arguing and conflict, hysterical overreactions and violence.
3. Extreme dysfunctional family roles, such as victims or perpetrators.
Because these behaviours are often cunning, baffling and powerful, a therapeutic process is necessary that includes a courageous commitment to get to the origins of the behaviours, seeing clearly how they operate in your life, working out the fears and taking a lot of little baby steps towards changing how you relate to each other, particularly in the area of communications.
John Arnold PhD, 604-261-2788. www.members.shaw.ca/johnarnoldphd/ A complete version of The Boundaryless Pitfall is available at Dr. Arnold's website.
Little love, little talk, little joy
Many emotional problems in a relationship come from painful experiences that most couples go through as they learn to cope with each other's personality and emotional issues. Just as a car requires a tune up, it is important to work on the relationship for prevention. Do not wait until everything breaks down or reaches a crisis. Relationship failure is preventable when you learn how to identify which issues you should be paying close attention to in your relationships.
The recommended solution for a happier relationship? Relationships require hard work as well as heart work. Strive to improve your listening, communication and conflict resolution skills. Learn to identify and build on your relationship strengths. Learn how to respond and embrace each other rather than react. People in supportive loving relationships are more likely to feel healthier, happier and satisfied with their lives and less likely to have mental or physical health problems. Good relationships are good for you.
Vincent Milardo MA, CHT, counsellor/hypnotherapist, 604-669-9699. www.medhypnosiscenter.com
Befriend your fears
The most common relationship problem I see in my office is fear -- fear of intimacy, of childhood wounds and of success and failure. However, I was taught that everyone who comes in is already whole. The solution is a friendship between your fears and your wholeness. When you stop the internal battle, the outside reflection in the relationship changes.
Some suggestions: Step 1. Decide to stop battling with yourself and others.
Step 2. Stop any thoughts and behaviours that are not working.
Step 3. Make a list of the thoughts, behaviours and feelings that honour your relationship. Then jump into the deeper waters that are now required to transform your relationships.
Step 4. If you cannot adequately stop these compulsive patterns, seek qualified professional help. Michael Talbot Kelly MA, RCC, holistic psychotherapist, 604-317-1613
Lost in translation
Translation is always required in couples counselling. We all come from different families and each family has its own gestalt. Also, unless we connect with the guy/girl next door, most couples come from different neighbourhoods, cities, countries and even different religions. In a heterosexual couple, the cultures of male and female come into play, and this too requires translation.
We often misinterpret our partner's communication because the words are louder than the intent behind them. Also, when we carry emotional baggage, it is easy to project old beliefs onto our partner and ascribe to them negative feelings that have nothing to do with them.
Only by taking on the perspective of no-blame and assuming that two people with benevolent intentions have gotten themselves caught, can we begin to unravel the situation and connect to the hearts behind the projections.
Lorraine Bennington, registered psychologist, transformance@shaw.ca, www.dragonflyvillage.com/LorraineBennington
Say goodbye to your comfort zone
The need to protect from abandonment, from being hurt and from losing oneself is stronger than the need to be loved. I find that people in relationships would rather stay in their comfort zone with what is familiar and safe, even if it creates problems, than to surrender their fears and be open to love. People go for the less perceived stress or pain. I have found that it is common for people to be in a kind of trance, carrying baggage from the past from their family of origin (cellular memories), conditioning, unconscious beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, expectations and feelings. I have observed that all of this programming forms a relationship-love-map. The Ego (emotional-fear-body) takes over and sabotages by reinforcing negative programming through power-struggles, reacting with anger, rigidity, co-dependency or addictive behaviors. I have noticed that people develop reactive survival coping strategies to deal with their unconscious fears and to lower their anxieties. It is the coping strategies that negatively affect the relationship and become its undoing.
I find that many couples are unaware of what is needed to create a healthy relationship and how to work with healthy boundaries, different emotional languages and effective communication styles. I teach couples that relationships are mirrors giving us the opportunity to see ourselves reflected, having the choice to consciously or unconsciously learn through playing out our drama-love-map. The mind-body has two ways to be in relationship: open into surrender and growth or closed into resistance and stagnation. I work with couples giving them the skills and tools to become more open, conscious and healthy in their relationship and to create change at a deep level.
Nicklas Ehrlich BA, BSW, MSW, RCC. Re-programming tools at www.selfempowermenteveryday.com Counseling, coaching, training at www.ehrlichandassociates.com Offices in Vancouver & North Vancouver: 604-990-1584